Well same old. Experience is my downfall. I’m not sure what more I could have done, or whether it’s even possible. It’s difficult to remain positive, and all the well-meaning folks that say “it just wasn’t meant to be. Don’t worry your time will come,” I apologise for seeming rude or ignoring your kind words — I appreciate your thoughts.
It looks rather unlikely I’m going to get this business off the ground, too. I think a £200,000 initial outlay is rather too outlandish. Maybe in the future…? Ha…
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It’s been a productive few days, but it feels like I haven’t actually got anywhere.
I’ve pretty much finished my desk: a few finishing touches and it’ll be done. I have started to move things about in my room but I haven’t finished. I’ve done quite a few other jobs too as I went and left others that should have been a priority.
I think that’s a good analogy of life for me at the moment: I’m doing jobs I shouldn’t be doing and distracting myself from more important things. Things I once found fun seem such a drag now. And the only thing people want to know from me is whether I have found a job. It’s frustrating me a little. I know people mean well but having to report little in the way of news on that front discourages me. When I get a job, I will tell people.
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You might, if you read my blog regularly, have been wondering what I have been doing recently. I haven’t posted for a while, so as you might guess, that answer to your question is "not much".
I haven’t been doing nothing, however. My desk is slowly taking shape, after many trials with the electric jigsaw (the supposed "guide" is surely a misnomer) and the hand saws (one goes straight but takes ages; the other is nice and quick but goes all over the place). I’m now sorting out the keyboard shelf so I shall soon be shouting at the hammer for making such an impression of my thumb, and quite possibly lobbing a few dowels across the room. Then it remains to build the final shelf for the monitor, which could prove the greatest challenge: another job for the electric jigsaw.
I have also applied for a few jobs. I want to start my working life proper somewhere stimulating and exciting: I’ll be damned if I’m forced to make friends with electronic colleagues and a calculator named "Alfred". I still want to be creative and I want to have the opportunity to present myself as an entity rather than as an employee, but chances are getting fewer and I’m looking abroad.
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It has been a pretty bad week to be honest. It feels like it has just been a succession of kicks in the teeth. It started last Friday with my exam results.
I got a 52 and a 66 for the two modules I sat exams for in January. I wasn’t too happy about the 66 in Modern Bayesian Inference, but that wasn’t so much of a disaster. The 52 however I was quite annoyed with. No-one felt confident leaving the exam room, and after having asked a couple of people the results they achieved, I thought it might have been worthwhile talking it over with my personal tutor. However, since he was inaccessible for much of the early part of this week, I didn’t. That perhaps was no bad thing, since having spoken to others it seems it was just my performance in the exam that was to blame for the poor mark.
As a note, it isn’t just exam performance that earns you a good mark for a module. It also depends on the performance of the rest of the class. The intended result is that if an exam is "too hard" or "too easy" the marks are adjusted to suit. However, this lends itself in turn to create a competitive environment in the leading weeks to the exam. For the most part, they are your friends and colleagues (and arguably victims), but come the exam period they are the nemesis, for their performance has a bearing on your results.
That was just the first knock to my confidence. I had been waiting for results from GCHQ to arrive this week, and yesterday I received the dreaded email informing me that I had been unsuccessful in achieving an interview. That was a real shame, because that was my dream job. I would be playing about with computers and codes, doing some analysis and using some maths in my job. Furthermore, work stays at work: due to the sensitive and secretive nature of the work, I couldn’t take things home and I couldn’t discuss it. That would have been ideal.
When I told Mum she immediately came and hugged me. It wasn’t really what I wanted to be honest — I didn’t really want a reminder that I should be disappointed. But she could clearly see how important it was for me. It’s left me a bit stumped to be honest. I had really pinned my hopes on it and hadn’t considered any other career direction, so I am at a loss. I also feel I have no real direction now and feel a little disillusioned.
And they say they come in threes. And they do. I also found out today that I have not been accepted onto the Great North Run. That was a substantial knock too. This additional setback means I am not going to achieve any of my goals this year. It’s only February.
I don’t even know what it is now I need. A direction would help; a goal even better. But right now I feel that everything I have been working for was in vain. Bugger.
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